


What's the opposite of team building because that's what's going on here

by shella688



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Gratuitous Onomatopoeia, POV Third Person Opinionated, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25030051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shella688/pseuds/shella688
Summary: Sometimes you need to unwind after a long day of breaking various laws including, but not limited to, those of physics itself.The crew of the Aurora do this by having a bracing game of Hide Or Get Shot
Relationships: Everyone & Everyone, Well. Maybe "friendship" is pushing it slightly
Comments: 51
Kudos: 213





	What's the opposite of team building because that's what's going on here

**Author's Note:**

> The majority of the rules here came from [thehangedmanrusts](https://thehangedmanrusts.tumblr.com/) so go listen to their music covers and tell them they're a cool person

"I still think it should be renamed to Hide  _ And _ Get Shot," said Jonny, leaning back on his chair and setting his feet on the table.

The other eight Mechanisms were seated or standing around the room, mostly wishing they were anywhere else.

"I can shoot you now if it makes you feel better." Tim moved to draw his gun but Brian was faster, grabbing his arm and stopping him.

Brian sighed very deliberately.

"There will be no shooting yet, because the game hasn't started. There will be no name changes, because I said so."

Tim snatched his arm away as Brian continued.

"Now, can I please get on with the rules?"

No one outright agreed, but the room as a whole quietened, which was close enough. Not even the Toy Soldier looked excited to be there, and its face was a painted on smile. But Brian had insisted the rules of Hide Or Get Shot (and no, he wasn't going to rename it) were read out before each game, to prevent any hard feelings.

Well, to prevent  _ some _ hard feelings anyway. The crew were quite possibly the biggest bunch of sore losers ever to terrorise, kill indiscriminately in, or otherwise irritate, the galaxy.

"Rule 85, only Jonny can shoot people."

Jonny cheered.

Or at least, he started cheering. Marius reached over to smack him with his metal arm as Brian just glared.

“ _ However, _ Jonny, Rule 86 specifically states to ignore Rule 85, due to Rule 28. And-” he continued loudly, Jonny looking ready to interrupt. “Rule 28 says that if Jonny makes up anymore more rules then he should get shot and also deserves what’s coming to him.”

“HEY!” Jonny shouted, except it came out more of a “HEARRGGH!” on account of Tim taking the opportunity to obey the rules for once and shoot Jonny in the arm.

“Can I carry on.” 

Brian didn’t phrase this as a question. 

“We could just play the game,” Ashes said, taking a short break from mocking Jonny’s pain.

“Rule 62 - Ashes can’t set any fire traps, but especially not for Jonny. Am I correct in saying this throws a metaphorical spanner in the metaphorical works?”

Ashes held Brian’s stare best they could, but they were never going to win against someone with no need to blink. They huffed.

“The more you interrupt, the longer it’ll take. Yes, Soldier?” This was directed at the Toy Soldier, who had raised its hand at some point during the stare off.

“If you read out only the new rules we’d finish much faster!”

Brian threw up his hands in exasperation.

“That’s what I’m  _ trying _ to do, if people would stop interrupting me! No Tim- that octokitten clearly  _ wasn’t _ the one talking, it was obviously you.”

This was the wrong thing to say.

Tim started protesting at “unfair treatment”, which Jonny took as an excuse to have a got at the unfair treatment on Tim’s part, namely shooting the good and innocent captain of this here starship. Raphaella began to muse aloud if it would be possible for an octokitten to actually speak, which Ivy and the Toy Soldier took it upon themselves to join in on. Marius and Ashes figured, hell, if no-one else is being quiet, then they might as well have a conversation. 

Nastya just sat at the back and watched the chaos play out, a smirk on her face.

She met Brian’s despairing gaze from across the room and shrugged.

“I would say I am very fucking sorry but…”

“For a start, you’re fucking the Aurora,” said Jonny, who’s ability to shove himself into someone else’s conversation to make a joke is unrivalled.

“Can I, for the love of any gods wasting their time watching this, read out two more rules?”

Having a body made of metal does have some advantages. In this case, the advantage was that Brian, some weeks back, had found a small dial that allowed him to change his default voice volume. So, when Brian’s voice blasted above three separate conversations with ease, everyone shut up quickly.

“Rule 92,” he said, still very loud, “the Stowaways are not to be used as meat shields. Now, this rule was written in all caps and underlined. I will not, however, be shouting because I have  _ basic manners _ .”

Tim rolled his eyes, but only slightly, just in case Brian noticed.

“And finally, Rule 69 -”

Brian came to a sudden halt. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

“Rule 69 is, I’ve decided right now, stop being such children. Yes, Marius?”

Marius put his hand down and grinned.

“I thought you couldn’t lie? Or are you on Ends Justify Means?”

“That’s none of your business. Besides, I’m not lying; Rule 69 is now ‘Stop being such children’. Tim?”

Brian was struck by the sinking feeling that the others were abusing the whole ‘raise your hand to speak’ system.

“That’s not very...” Tim paused for effect- “ _ nice _ of you.”

There was a long, drawn out silence. Tim's crewmates looked on in various states of distress.

At last, the Toy Soldier applauded

Tim sighed.

“At least TS thinks I’m funny.”

It shook its head, still applauding.

“I don’t! You were just looking so sad there with no-one acknowledging your joke!”

“Brian can we start yet? I’m being bullied.”

“I’m the Seeker old chum! You can’t start without me!”

“Brian why is TS always the Seeker?”

“I’m the only one who won’t cheat when counting!”

Tim opened his mouth to say something before coming to the unfortunate realisation that the Toy Soldier was correct.

The Toy Soldier clapped its hands excitedly. “Jolly good old chaps! Pip pip!”

And, finally, the game was afoot. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Marius and Jonny had, as per usual, formed an alliance. Well, maybe "alliance" was too optimistic a term - the two would stick together, Marius giving Jonny a leg up to high up hiding spots, Jonny keeping lookout and shooting anyone who moved suspiciously.

Of course, these alliances invariably ended in betrayals, arguments and tears, but they made a formidable team whilst it lasted.

They ran through the corridors, keeping low and moving fast. Straight past the library (Ivy had forbidden anyone from even  _ thinking _ about hiding in there without her express permission), jumping the octokittens strewn across the floor, and rounding the corner - only to come to a screeching halt.

In front of them, a small crevice that was still big enough for two people, as well as being nicely out of the way. Also in front of them, a cheerful sign reading "My spot! Signed, DBB.x"

"Bastard!" Jonny yelled at the air in general, given that Brian wasn't actually present.

Marius kicked the wall, then swore as his relatively soft foot hit the hard metal.

Some further elaboration is probably needed here.

Hide Or Get Shot is, if you ignore the copious amount of additional rules, a fairly simple game. The rest of the crew hides, the Toy Soldier looks for them. If you see someone, you shoot them. The game ends if everyone dies, or if someone hides well enough to make the others get bored and give up.

Straightforward, no?

The problem is, however, the fact that even the smallest annoyance will get turned into a hard and fast rule. No threatening instruments, Jonny! No throwing octokittens, Jonny! No inventing new rules without it going to a vote, Jonny! No hiding in the vents, Nastya, because Aurora plays favourites! No ordering the Toy Soldier to cheat, Jonny!

Perhaps the problem is largely Jonny.

In any case, one such rule allowed people to claim a spot as their own for the round, provided the sign was obvious enough. And everybody knows you can't just go around  _ stealing _ hiding spots, can they?

So now Marius and Jonny were left stranded with nigh a hiding place in sight. Worse still-

"Hello old beans!" said the Toy Soldier, who had popped up directly behind them.

Jonny yelped, spun and fired off a shot. Flying right by the Toy Soldier, it rebounded off the wall with a  **clunk** , hitting instead Marius, who went down with an  **fuckeaargh** whilst firing his own gun, also missing the Toy Soldier wildly. The  **bang** of the second gun was drowned out by Jonny's cry of  **wankeeurgghh** , although it should be noted he hadn't even been hit at this point, he was just being a dramatic little prick. There was a fleshy  **thwock** as the bullet hit Jonny's chest, then, finally, some damn silence.

The Toy Soldier looked down at its two crewmembers. Both were dead, or close enough to be counted firmly out the game for the time being.

Six to go!

  
  


* * *

  
  


Ivy was, unsurprisingly enough, in the library. What  _ was  _ surprising was that she wasn't sat reading, as the Toy Soldier had expected. She and Raphaella had piled tables (stolen from the mess) and chairs (stolen from.. somewhere) around the bookshelves, forming a solid barricade. 

"Tally ho! Is anyone there?" it called. 

There was some muttered discussion behind the wall of furniture.

"If we say no, will you leave us alone?" Ivy asked.

The Toy Soldier considered this for a very brief moment-

"Nope!"

Some more muttered discussion. It went on for a while, steadily growing louder. At last someone spoke, Raphaella this time.

"If we declare independence, will you leave us alone?"

The Toy Soldier frowned as much as its painted wooden face would allow.

"What would you declare independence for, old chums?"

"We want the truth!"

"Freedom!"

"Justice!"

"A hard boiled egg!"

"A har- wait, we do?"

"Well,  _ I  _ do. I've been in my lab all morning."

"Does it fit our values though?"

"I'd like to think the People's Republic of These Few Shelves feeds its residents"

"But-"

"Are you fellows quite done?" interrupted the Toy Soldier.

A guilty silence came from the People's Republic of These Few Shelves. 

"Ok Toy Soldier." This was Ivy. "We're going to come up on the count of three. One, t-"

Ivy and Raphaella popped up from behind the barricade, experimental laser blasters in hands. It would have made an imposing image, were it not for the fact that the Toy Soldier wasn't a damn  _ amateur,  _ and shot them both almost immediately.

And the People's Republic of These Few Shelves was no more. Four left!

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  


Ashes was easy enough - follow the smoke until you find the fire. 

They were leaning against the wall of one the numerous cargo bays, a pile of burning belts in front of them. Every so often they'd throw another one on.

They offered a friendly wave as the Toy Soldier came running in, and it even let them burn the last of the belts before shooting.

Good times all round.

  
  
  
  


Tim tried his best.

Only problem was, someone who's nearly six foot tall even without the boots doesn't have a great many locations to hide in.

He'd  _ attempted  _ to hide behind a stack of crates that were buzzing slightly alarmingly. The top of his head poked out above them - though not for long, as he collapsed pretty quickly after being shot.

The Toy Soldier took his goggles as it went by. They were surprisingly hard to see out of, but at least they looked good.

  
  
  


Brian surrendered

Someone had apparently,  _ despite the Rules clearly stating not to,  _ flipped his switch (or left his switch flipped? it was unclear, and Brian refused to elaborate), and he was stuck unable to shoot anyone, which was no fun. 

The Toy Soldier did flip his switch back before shooting though. Or, before attempting to shoot. Brian put up one hell of a fight, and even got a few good shots in himself.

Of course, shooting a being made almost entirely of wood rarely has much of an effect, especially if said being decides it doesn't want to play at being dead, and would rather win the game.

Now, where was Nastya?

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


She wasn't in the engine room. She wasn't in her bedroom. She wasn't in the kitchen, although Tim was, and it shot him again for good measure.

Then all at once it heard a clanking coming from behind a seemingly nondescript grate in a seemingly nondescript wall. The Toy Soldier sighed.

Nastya had gone and broken Rule 29.

"Oh, do come on out old bean! You know hiding in the vents gives you an unfair advantage!"

Nastya spoke hurriedly in a way that people telling the truth don't.

"Maybe if people stopped shooting Aurora, I would not have to come in here and fix her!"

"You're not fix-"

It's words were cut short as a large gun emerged from the wall. An alarm started blaring.

Well. This was new.

"That's a jolly good gunwall you have here, dear chap!" it said, for lack of anything else helpful to contribute. And it was, in all fairness, a very impressive gunwell. It was just a shame the Toy Soldier had gotten this far only to be completely, utterly, and temporarily oblitered by a fuckoff huge gunwall.

"Thank you, I have been working on it for a long time. And technically I am not hiding given that you know full well where I am." Nastya's smirk was audible even without seeing her face.

"Isn't there a rule against loopholes like that?"

"There is not! I checked."

The Toy Soldier tried to move towards the grate, but stopped as the fuckoff huge gun adjusted itself to remain pointing at it.

"Hardly fair of you, isn't it old bean?"

"Whoever said anything about playing fair?" Nastya tried to ask smugly, but it ended up coming out as "Whoever saaiurrk."

Silence.

"Nastya?" the Toy Soldier prompted.

More silence. Even the fuckoff huge gunwall looked confused.

"It would appear Nastya has been stabbed by a rogue octokitten," a voice broadcast over the intercom said, slowly.

_ Aurora's  _ voice broadcast over the intercom, to be precise. And if Aurora said anything about anyone it was almost certainly true, thanks to the sheer amount of cameras onboard, along with good old fashioned nosiness.

The fuckoff huge gun aimed itself back on the Toy Soldier, but at least made the effort to look a little less threatening.

"Winner detected," said Aurora, not sounding incredibly happy, although she always sounded like that. "Confetti deployed."

"Deployed" probably gives the wrong idea as to what actually happened.

A panel opened up in the ceiling, directly above where the Toy Soldier was standing. From it, a veritable  _ mountain  _ of confetti fell, landing squarely on the wooden man with a heavy  **thwop.**

There was a moment's pause.

"This is all rather good fun!" came the Toy Soldier's voice, buried under  _ many _ layers of confetti.

  
  
  



End file.
